Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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