I hate your face
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
