I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
