dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
