just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
