youre lurking in front of me
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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