Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
false alarm. still invincible.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
