Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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