the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
