So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
