No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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