My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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