I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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