put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the day after is always just damage control
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
