Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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