the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
