I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
A bitchslap is in order.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
