our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
