you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
