I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
