Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
You're so nebulous sometimes
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
