I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
