just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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