new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
