i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
