OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
