I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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