i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
