i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
