That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sobbing to NWA
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
