you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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