Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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