Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
