I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
