So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
