is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
