Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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