well I can't set my house on fire every night
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
