These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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