guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
