If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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