his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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