If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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