I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
