woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
