I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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