I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
A bitchslap is in order.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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