genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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