I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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