Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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