You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
